I am nothing if not opinionated, which those of you who are at all familiar with me can attest. I have opinions and I voice them…loudly…and often. It’s not really surprising that I have opinions, I suppose; everyone has them. What causes a bit of tension, however, is that I kind of refuse to be quiet about them. That, and once I start an argument or debate I have a really hard time stopping. I love talking about ideas, particularly if I think I’m right about a certain idea (and let’s face it; I’m always right). So, as long as the conversation doesn’t turn into an angry fight or devolve into throwing insults, I’ll keep at it.
Anyway, over the past year I’ve found myself debating and arguing with a lot of non-feminists about feminism and gender issues. Actually, I find myself debating with a lot of non-feminist men about a lot of things, but for the moment we’ll stick to issues about gender. I can be quite radical about some things, but a lot of my feminist ideas are actually quite moderate. So something I’ve heard from time to time is that I’m, “one of the good feminists,” or that I’m “one of my favourite feminists.” At first I took that as a good sign; maybe if the guy I’m talking to doesn’t see me as a threat, some of what I’m saying will sink in. Now, though, I generally hate being told that I’m “not like other feminists,” and I’ll try to explain why.
The whole “not like other feminists” thing is reminiscent of the old backhanded compliment, “you’re not like other women.” The fact that you like me because I’m not like “other women,” implies that there’s something wrong with being like “other women.” In other words, there’s something wrong with being a woman. That category is bad, and I am good because I don’t quite fit into it. Same thing with being told I’m “not like other feminists.” It basically is a way to acknowledge that I have qualities the person likes, without acknowledging that the identity/category I belong to has qualities the person likes.
More than that, though, is the way that a man telling me he likes me because I’m “not like other feminists,” actually reinforces the old gender system. It places me in a subordinate position, in which I am supposed to prioritise being liked by him. And it places him in a higher position, in which he is the arbiter of what makes a “good feminist” and a “bad feminist.”
Being told I have successfully tailored my feminism to the ears of a non-feminist man, kind of undermines the whole point: I shouldn’t have to tailor my feminism to non-feminist men in order for it to be listened to. It is truly an act of privilege to assume that someone who is trying to dismantle the system of your privilege still wants your approval. And if these non-feminist men still think it’s their place to give or refuse their approval, well then they really haven’t been listening to what I’ve been saying.
Filed under: Gender
